Ok so once again I’ve not posted for an age and I’m really sorry. Things have predictably been hectic and after the mess of my exams and the nonsense with work I’m now back to fill you all in with what’s been going through my head of late. Firstly Sir Paul. Lets just not talk about that horrific barnet at the Brits, how is it possible for 65 year old man to have that amount of hair and that colour? Me thinks he’s been at Elton Johns rug maker. 800 squillion quid and he still looks shit. On the subject of his oodles of cash, why is his divorce making such high profile headlines? I don’t get it, who ACTUALLY gives even a small piece of shit, the 80 million she’s asking for is like loose chance to Macca, I’d pay it just so she can emigrate away somewhere we don’t have to listen to her whining pleas for sympathy. Although I do wish we could get a look in the court at the divorce proceedings…. I wonder how often Paul’s solicitor will drop “ You haven’t a leg to stand on” into the conversation. Perhaps she’s hoping he will eventually stump up, but if I were her I’d not peg my hopes on it. I wish she’d walk into a wall.

Secondly, the blonde bouffanted Ben Fogle has caught my eye of late. Why the hell is he so goddamn enthusiastic about everything? I would like very much to hit him with a length of 2x2.

My next gripe is why builders whistle at women. We recently had one or two nice days I was happily walking down the street minding my own business bopping gently along to the music in my head and I hears this piercing wolf whistle. I turns round and about 5 overweight grubby unshaven lumps of vaguely humanoid flesh were leering unpleasantly in my direction. I wouldn’t have minded if even ONE of them had looked like the guy from the Diet Coke Ads.. he’s a lush! But no. I seem to attract the Giant Haystacks wannabes!

Ever noticed how they seem to whistle at anything that looks remotely female?

Do they actually think the woman will turn around and say, well thank you, i have never received such a nice compliment, please take me to a quiet spot on your building site and take it in turns to roger me senseless immediately.

Not very likely to happen in my humble opinion as I was passing the building site a guy called out, "Don't like the dress love, take it off." And it will shock you to learn that despite being verbose loquacious and cuttingly witty, I had no smart retort. I just kinda looked bemused and tossed my hair for flirtatious effect. I can’t decide if I like it or loathe it.

And FINALLY; bloody walkers bloody crisps… today I was caught out YET AGAIN by the absurd packet colouring conventions. I reached for a bag of stinky but wonderful cheese and onion and munched down on bloody stinking blinking salt and vinegar. Why don't they get their bl00dy packet colours right!

Cheese and Onion should be green, not blue.

Fecking clowns!

Red for plain
Blue for Salt and Vinegar
Green for Cheese and Onion
Pink for Prawn Cocktail .
Lets have some uniformity

And bags of crisps get ever smaller. I swear one day I’ll pick up a bag and there’ll be three crisps in it and I’ll have paid 2.55 for the privilege!

And what happened to those ones with the little blue bag? Too much effort for today's crispophages? Bah the world is going to pot.

Ok going to finish up with just a few words….. Quango, Notoriety, judiciary, levitate and ring binder.

I’ll come back soon