Ahh… and so another week starts.

Where to begin today’s blog? Oooooookaaay, good idea we’ll work backwards. Yesterday I was hungover. Very hung over. So hungover in fact that for the entire day I could barely lift my head from the sofa. I spent some four hours watching “Totally Jodie Marsh: Who’ll take her up the aisle?” This appears to be some dreadful publicity stunt to bag her a husband before 2nd September when she has a wedding planned, except, in the course of four hours we found out that a) There wasn’t actually a wedding planned because no venue had been found and no-one wanted to sponsor such an obviously sham wedding and b) she didn’t actually have a groom yet nor (by the time the programme finished) did it look like she was going to. We also discovered that she hates with venom and passion Jordan and thinks she’s better then her for the following reasons
a) She wrote her own book, Jordan didn’t
b) She does loads of charity work Jordan doesn’t.
c) She loves adventure sports, Jordan doesn’t
d) She likes animals Jordon doesn’t
ad lib ad nauseam. Woes betide the foolhardy reporter who suggests that she’s the same as Jordan.

I kinda like Jodie Marsh. But I also feel sorry for her. I accidentally typed “feel sorry for it” there which I think is very telling. She’s actually quite pretty when five inches of makeup isn’t ruining her face. Who’d have thought someone could make a career out of brass neck and frontage?

So why was I hung over – it was the final night cast party on the Saturday night. I recall very little about this austere event, other than no-one ate the food I provided, I got terribly glammed up and noone else did. And forget how much I drank after the first bottle of wine and five cosmopolitans. I got a lift back to Dunfermline (horribly drunk and falling asleep in the car) only to wake up my poor boyfriend at 3am and insist on a deep and meaningful discussion which ended up me falling asleep at four and him getting up for work at 5. I am a bad girlfriend. In other news

Show went marvellously well. I’m all a bit showed out. We had a few great reviews!! I’d love to tell you all all about it but to be honest, I’m done with talking about it. I shall give a very quick synopsis for those of you who did not come and see me perform. Shame on you.

The rules of comedy
Introduced by two beautifully attired narrators we have a quick guide to what is funny (rubber chickens, custard pies, near misses, spit takes, curdled milk brass fanfares etc etc). These are acted out with huge energy and great aplomb by a troupe of clowns cum acrobats (us)
We then decide that the only way to test rules of comedy is to insert them into a terribly serious tragic piece of great English literature – Hamlet. Cue quick recap of Hamlet serious stylee to prove that there is nothing remotely funny about Hamlet, then rewind to do the final scene of said Hamlet avec la rules de commedia. There were a few running jokes. Lots of mess. Butter scotch angel delight, cream, curdled milk. It was messy, it was dangerous it was tragic and scary but above all it was FUNNY!

So here is a quick bullet point list of interesting things about my week on the stage:
1. if I ever see/smell butterscotch angel delight I will be inclined to gloop it over the nearest person to me. This is virtually a Pavlovian reaction since I have spent the week smacking people in the face with custard pies made from Angel Delight.
2. I have an unnatural affection for rubber chickens.
3. I’m frankly sick of the sight of lettuce
4. I appear to have an insatiable anal need to organise people/props/food/cleaning. I am a control freak it seems.
5. Accountants (not all but every one I met on Thursday night) lack a sense of humour *please, if you are an accountant and are reading this outraged at my sweeping generalisation, do not ping back at me with “101 reasons why I am wrong” I can believe that there are some accountants who do posses a splendid sense of humour, however if you were one of the accountants at my show on Thursday, “A POX ON YOUR CHILDREN”. Yes, I feel better.
6. Cheesy balls (pizza hut stuffed crust kind) do not agree with my gut.

Instead I shall entertain you with this gem sent on to me by my lovely work colleagues earlier today!

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about White Wine.
White Wine is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. White Wine can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of White Wine almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with White Wine. White Wine may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use White Wine.
However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister

As you may guess I am an avid fan of the White Wine Cure All Ails remedy. A little too fond perhaps. Which perhaps accounts for why yesterday was a total write off and today I have spent some time looking up detox ideas and plans.

I appreciate this has been a long disjointed post I’m going to quit now. I’m tired. And it’s almost time to go home.